Self Delusion and Empty Tanks

In Advanced Training we learned that in order to have good and healthy relationships with those around us, we need to be able to take responsibility for our relationships. The recommendation was that we learn three simple phrases.

1. I'm sorry.
2. I'm sorry I misunderstood.
3. I'm sorry I did not make myself clear.

All three of the phrases accepts responsibility. The reason we must be able to say this is because we cannot continue healthy relationships while shifting all responsibility to the other person in the relationship.

In fact, Dr. Rohm even suggested we call him when we are in a conflict. He said, "You can blame me. I'll take full responsibility. And do you know what my first question will be? Now what are we going to do?"

Earlier in the day, Shirley brought us through a very insightful exercise which asked us to look in a mirror and tell ourselves, "I love you."

In order to take responsibility in our own relationships, that responsibility (read:blame) must not do significant damage to our self worth. Most people's self worth is like a gas tank. It may be full or empty, but it requires filling frequently. If our tank is full, we can afford to lose some here or there. However, if our tank is getting to an uncomfortable level, we cannot take responsibility or blame for things in our relationship. It would have devastating effects on our self esteem or perceived self worth. How can we possibly admit that we have responsibility in our relationships when we have a low tank of self worth?

Therein lies the rub: From where do we derive our value?

If it is through repetition of mantras of self worth, it is a consistent act of self-delusion. We do not derive self worth from saying something long enough that it becomes truth. Truth is objective outside our own perceptions. We either have worth as an individual or we do not.

No wonder that we struggle with depression, doubt and fear when the only thing supporting our self worth is a weak mantra of self delusion.

I think the best thing that Shirley said after that exercise is that we have intrinsic value because somebody OUTSIDE ourselves has declared it to be so. The need for instrinsic value is greater than any person in our lives can fill.

Without an intelligent creator, we cannot truly accept responsibility for our relationships.